Battle Beyond the Stars, or "yes, you've seen this movie"

JoDee and I just watched Battle Beyond the Stars. Here's a synopsis:

John-Boy from the Waltons realizes his planet is going to be turned into a sun by the "not Death Star" piloted by a taller Napoleon with a body-part fetish. Tommy, the Pinball Wizard tells him to fly his truck-nuts spaceship out to find mercenaries. He lands on a space station comprised of robots who are extras for Glee and a deranged scientist, who decides his goal in life is to arrange a shot-gun wedding for his daughter with John-Boy. They escape, and John Boy recruits The A Team and members of the Kroft Super Show to join him to battle against Napoleon and his not-Ugnauts. They battle. That guy from all of those TV shows and movies that you remember crashes. He later dies. The A-Team leads a ground battle, until the bad guys bring in a Sonic Tank and play supersonic Justin Beiber songs until their ears bleed. Two midgets destroy the tank with their Care-Bear Stare. One of the white mystic aliens is captured, and is threatened with being hacked to death by a pretty lame-looking chainsaw. He dies, and the other aliens try to make Napoleon hit himself with a knife. Whatever.

Later, another battle ensues, in which members of the Kroft Supershow die in semi-heroic, but still pretty lame and pointless ways. John-Boy's truck nuts get impounded, and John-Boy and the girl love interest self-destruct the truck nuts. Then the world is saved, and George Lucas writes a note to his legal team.

The moral of the story is you've probably seen this forgettable movie, you just don't remember it. It's like the Star Wars Christmas Special, except Bea Arthur isn't in it. At least we think she isn't.


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