AP Newswire

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is
a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the
Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us
to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes"