Checking in for 2024-03-05:

Today's theme is "I am exhausted". There seems to be another underlying theme that I won't share but you can probably guess by the number of times I've been to the bathroom.

This morning I woke up and got a bowl of cereal. I then promptly went back to bed. I needed to get up to get ready for my oncology appointment so I managed to do that. Because I've been so exhausted I enlisted my dad to help take me to the appointment.

During the appointment with Dr. Jaiyesimi was had a deep conversation. I don't think Dr. Jaiyesimi believes I will get better after the radiation treatments. JoDee and I are a little more optimistic. When I had the radiation for my rectal tumor it knocked it out cold. True, it might come back in some form but at least it wasn't the primary antagonist any longer. That suddenly because my liver tumor, which has resisted each round of treatment like an absolute champ. You have to admire a part of your body that can say "is that all you've got?" repeatedly, even if it is making your life miserable. Dr. Jaiyesimi started talking about palliative care and hospice. I don't think I'm quite ready for those two, but it gives me a sense of what he thinks this disease will do. I'm hopeful that we'll have more options in the coming months and years and I'm unwilling to just throw in the towel yet. That may come later but for now I'm going to fight with whatever I can.

Fighting does enact a cost though. I'm constantly tired. When I got back from my appointment my dad and I sat to drink some coffee together. I was zonked. Usually I have no problem climbing stairs and what-not to make it to my appointment but this time around I couldn't even make it to the car without some help. After dad left I went straight to bed and slept for four hours.

I am not well. I can't keep pretending that I can keep up the pace that I had before. I need to acknowledge the energy that I have and hope that more is on the way after the radiation treatments.

More as I know it.