Dear Animal Rights Groups,

US animal-rights extremists firebomb scientists' home, car

Dear Animal Rights Groups who think firebombing biologists is a nifty-keen idea,

Animals are suffering. Animals are constantly being killed for food by other animals. They need your support right now, or many millions of animals may die without your help. I will pay for your one-way trip to the location of your choice to help protect the list of the following animals. They are in desperate need of your tender care. Many of these animals are being threatened as we speak.

I look forward to your report of how you helped protect mosquitoes bearing malaria.

Love, Craig.