Anger

Yesterday I spilled almost an entire glass of water on my computer.

I was getting ready for the work day in the basement. I was already a little surly about the morning because the temperatures were making it so that I would have had less than an hour outside on our porch. I resigned myself to a day in the basement, secluded from fresh air, Overall it's not bad, but it was one more reminder that I'm essentially home-bound with my cancer and what-not. So, fine, down into the basement I go. I might as well make myself comfortable. I started moving around a small Vornado desk fan that I used at my previous job and get it to where it's blowing air around me. That'll make me more content with the situation.

Unfortunately as part of my treatments I've now taken to having a full glass of water with me at all times. And because I'm home I used a regular glass. The glass was on a separate desk (the one that the fan was on) but it was nowhere near the computer, right? This should be fine.

Reader, it was not fine. I managed to clip the glass while moving the fan and the glass tipped over.

The computer I have in the basement is a desktop computer that I picked up from an off-lease sale. It sits at the corner of the old countertop desk that came with the house and the standing desk that I use for my work. Unfortunately the space where the water went was right into that space and I saw water all over the case.

I lost my shit.

I have a bad temper when things frustrate me. Most times it surfaces in some form of petulant or indignant behavior, but when things really aren't going my way then I become surly and enraged. This is when the swear words come out and shit gets broken.

Water on a running computer made me absolutely furious. The only thing I knew to do was cut the power ASAP at the power strip.

The computer case was soaked. This particular computer case was also fun because it has a front plate that likes to trap water in little crevasses that one can't easily dry. So I set to work on trying to get as much dried with a towel as possible.

This sounds more calm than it was. I stomped over to get a towel and hurled insults at myself and the circumstances that lead up to this point. I dried off the coasters and threw them back onto the desk. I was rough with opening the case to assess the damage. I was seeing red and the only thing that could satiate the blood-lust for this offense to my morning was for anything standing in the way of me getting back to my morning to step aside or be destroyed. I seethed as I saw that water had pooled in the bottom of the case. This machine wouldn't be fully dry anytime soon. I'd need to disconnect it and set it in the room with the dehumidifier.

Once again, this sounds way calmer and rational than it was.

I've always had a bit of a temper. This has lead to me driving my fist onto my precious Atari 800XL and snapping the keyboard after I had dropped Mountain Dew on it. This has lead me to rip the drawer out of a CD-ROM drive that wasn't working (made it much less functional after that). It's not something I'm proud of (heck, it'd be nicer if I were more relaxed and less enraged because then I could think clearer), but like all ingrained habits it's one that takes a lot of time and effort to change.

I've been working through trying to be more mindful of how I'm feeling and acting. This was a perfect practice ground for being mindful and allowing myself to peaceably dry things off and assess the situation. Instead I flew into my regular pattern of rage, swearing, and petulance. I saw the whole thing as another thing that sabotaged an already compressed morning (I'd need to take HOW LONG to dry this computer and find alternatives?!? Fuck me!) I didn't realize that this was another way for me to practice with the discomfort of a compressed morning that got interrupted. I realize that now in hindsight, but at the moment all I saw was a crisis and a sabotage of my attempts to make do with not being able to go outside and do some work. What it was was practice ground, not the universe flipping me it's middle finger.

The computer is fine. After several hours it dried to where I was OK with reconnecting it. In the interim I hooked my laptop up in its place and used that. Life continued on and every hour of my day got filled the way it would have had I not had this crisis.I posted this tragedy on social media and folks responded with kindness. The universe continued being ambivalent, as is its wont. Life carried on.

I'm still working with trying to find alternatives to the flat-out rage that I feel when things are impeding me. I have far too many keyboards that have suffered under my fist of anger (one of them has a broken space-bar from where I smashed my fist down. Others were not so lucky). I need to find alternative paths that aren't as destructive and are more productive.

This is something that I continue to struggle with. Feeling a loss of control throws me either into despair or anger. Those are paths that I have carefully architected There are alternatives and it's up to me to carve out those desire-paths instead.


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