I posted yesterday about how I should be getting scanned, but it got moved to Monday because of a problem with the camera. This morning I should have been getting an oil change for my car but unfortunately I had a "containment breach" while driving to the dealership. I turned the car around and drove home. "I can't do this anymore" was my exasperated plea to the cosmos as I sat in my parked car wondering what horrors I would behold.

After getting cleaned up I'm a lot calmer. But during it I had feeling of despair and wondering if I would ever have "normal" anymore. Plus I have a PET scan across town. Am I going to have a similar issue trying to get there?

As I was driving I thought of the following: "A coward dies a thousand deaths. A hero dies only once."

I kept thinking that as I realized that my fears were making things measurably worse. I kept thinking of different scenarios of how things would play out, torturing myself with things that weren't real.

The reality was disgusting, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Nothing of value was lost; only a few clothes that weren't getting laundered because of the containment breach.

What's weird is with each of these I'm feeling somewhat stronger. The worst that'll happen is I need to do a deeper clean. The worst that'll happen is I need to excuse myself from a public situation because "sorry, I have cancer and both it and its treatment is fucking me up a bit".

We're looking into how to better manage this, but for now I'm recognizing that this is going to be something that's a part of me. I went down this path when I blogged about Sitting in Fear. I need to live with the uncertainty that at any moment my body can and will do what it needs to do. I need to be compassionate with myself when this happens and allow myself to just be with whatever happens.

Nothing goes according to plan, and that's beautiful.