Checking in for 2023-08-17:

This one is a doozy, so buckle up.

• I think I've figured out why trying to do things in the morning is futile for me. Here's what this morning brought:
  • I checked my email. Several friend have birthdays today. Sent them email / social media messages.
  • Got wrapped up in catching up with the social media of the day, so that blew out some time
  • Well, since I'm in my inbox I might as well empty it. Inbox zero FTW.
  • Alliance Rx (nee: Walgreen's) once again called me to get my prescriptions filled. I need to get a few things sorted so I take the call. Everything start off OK but then we find that my PayPal Debit card is still on file (thought I had removed that online. Apparently we now know of one system that doesn't talk to the other systems). So I'm sent over to their "secure" card gathering system. (dramatic pause).
  • If there is a way to break a system I will find it. What should be a simple recitation of card numbers turns into a complete farce. Computer doesn't understand me (though I think I know why) which leads to humans being unable to help because their card agreements require me to use the computer system to "securely" enter my card information. I spend a half-hour with their staff trying to figure out how to pay for things. Finally I cut bait. I'd rather not add hypertension to my dance card and I can already feel my blood starting to boil.
  • Now my Alliance RX (nee: Walgreen's) dashboard is lit up like a missile silo control panel. The Zarxio is out of stock, the Lonsurf needs the attention of the physician. If I have any drugs for next week it'll be a damn miracle.
  • I'm looking forward to a second cup of coffee while I decompress from a phone call that is ostensibly supposed to help me.
  • No doubt Alliance Rx (nee: Walgreen's) will be on the phone tomorrow, wherein I can try again to recite card numbers over the phone like some game show contestant on NumberWang. I look forward to it like a man waiting for tax forms and death.
  • I feel like my concentration is shot to hell after all of that. I'm feeling pretty tense and wondering if I'll be eaten by a bear. Well, not actually eaten by a bear, but at least wondering what else will befall me. That puts me in a loop of checking email or social media waiting for more input.
  • I know this pattern well. I'm not powerless to change it, but it does seem to crop up an awful lot.
  • The solution is to just dive into my most important things first before checking email / social media / phone but it's a hard habit to break. I know that if I don't I am setting myself up for having my fuses blown with overwhelm. Unfortunately it's also seductive. What if my world has changed overnight? What news from the front? Worse, I know that Alliance Rx (nee: Walgreen's) will bombard me with phone calls if I don't answer (especially if things are as screwed up as they are now). Their systems are too naive to let me handle things in my own time. Definitely an area to practice in.
• This also explains a bit why I find the night-time so calming. It's a period where I can decompress and really think. I noticed when I was working that I usually hit my stride around 10 a.m. (assuming no meetings). Then it was thoughts of plans for lunch, lunch-time coma, and then another small kick before thoughts of driving home. I'm still working on figuring out my retirement stride. The Lonsurf didn't help much because I woke up extremely tired. Need to figure out some strategies for combating that and giving myself ample opportunities to unlock my creativity.
• Perhaps the best routine for me is to just be flexible. I don't have a set day anymore; not with appointments happening at different times depending on when I can squeeze in to the doctor's schedule. Perhaps instead of trying to fit a routine to a life that isn't routine I need to accept radical flexibility and consider each moment as it occurs in isolation. Something to think about.
• I've been finding myself looking at pictures of old computer labs and computer equipment. I think that's a search for comfort and a notional "simpler" time. I find myself drawn more toward exploring programming later in the day than I do when I'm more fresh and alert. Some people do crossword puzzles to relax; I look at computer languages. Last night I was thinking that I should properly learn C++, as if that's something one can pick up without serious work. Wondering what my mind really wants out of this demonic bargain.
• My game deign brain has stagnated. It's associating those project with work, not fun. It's having similar resistance with playing games. Everything feels like work. I think this is part of the drugs talking. Need to find more positive experiences to help lubricate my mind to ease this association.

Told you this one was a doozy. More as I know it.