I've been feeling a little out-of-sorts lately with my cancer treatments. I've been feeling tired, nauseous, and just plain overwhelmed. Part of this is because of the Lonsurf and part of this is my blood's make-up (which I need to get more recent numbers on Tuesday to find out what the most recent numbers are). I've just felt like some days are just whiled away with me sleeping and some days are just me staring blankly at a screen watching the world go by. That's not how I want to live my life.
Leo Babauta has a podcast about The Zen of Being which resonated with me. In it he talks about how we spend a lot of our time in the "doing" and "thinking" but not in the actual "being". "Being" in this case is the space where I'm feeling things like overwhelm, fear, tiredness, uncertainty, and the like. I don't acknowledge this as much, thinking that I can just power through all of this and getting frustrated when my body has had enough. I have spent time noticing what my body is saying but I hadn't thought of it as one of the more fundamental pieces of my being (Leo likens it to getting frustrated at a car because the radiator is busted and trying to push it into action). For me it's akin to having water in the gas-line: sometimes things are just going to stall out and what's necessary is just waiting for the water to evaporate. (I think both of us don't know how cars work). Regardless, what's necessary is acknowledging how we are feeling and letting ourselves be with those uncomfortable thoughts. I know for me just acknowledging these feelings can be enough to remove its power over me.
I've also started to think more about being proactive with my health. I have the iHealth Track Blood Pressure Monitor for tracking my blood pressure, but I also have a few more things coming to track things like my weight and oxygen in my blood. If nothing else I'm hoping these will motivate me to make some better choices about how I am engaging with my body and give me more data on physical reasons I'm feeling low or disempowered. I can work on the feelings but I think I need to get better about taking care of the whole system. It might not be much but anything that gets my ass in gear is better than nothing. I've also enacted some small habits each morning that have helped out (small things related to hygiene, like shaving each day, flossing, and the like). I'm finding that taking some time out like this has helped in some small ways. Also doing some cleaning around the house helps out as well.
It's strange, but taking more of an active role in my life is somehow more liberating than feeling like a victim of my circumstances. Who knew?