Overwhelm and fatigue

Just a quick update about what's going on over here. I'm on day three of my five-day radiation treatment. It's been pretty interesting. The machine just rotates around me and delivers radiation levels as high as 45 grays (JoDee did the conversion into Sieverts and the response from her was "¡Ay, carumba!" so I'm assuming that's a lot). They're using the high levels of radiation to kill off a lymph node that has become a turncoat and is beyond repair. The rest of the radiation is going into my rectal tumor to try to shrink that in preparation for my surgery on the first week of November.

I've been working on getting the paperwork for disability insurance settled. My hat is off to anyone who can navigate all of this. It's also a little disconcerting to think that I'm planning for my own disability. I've been pretty able-bodied most of my life so thinking that I have a period where I'm not going to be able-bodied is humbling and frightening. I'm working with those emotions and better understanding where they come from. Folks that deal with this on a daily basis have my respect and admiration. We don't treat disabled folks with nearly the respect and admiration they deserve.

This will also be my fist "big" surgery. I've had little things like a mediport installed, biopsies, and the insertion and removal of a kidney stone stent that made me wonder if I should have asked for dinner and a movie first. Thinking about what could go right is overshadowed by my brain wanting to dwell on what could possibly go wrong. I'm acknowledging those feelings and doing my best to close up as many open loops as possible should the unforeseen happen.

And this gets into the other fun part of this: planning out my work so it has a clean edge and actual cutoff. This has been the hardest part and the part that has overwhelmed me. I'm tired as a result of the radiation and when the radiation is scheduled ("too-early-o'clock", if you must know). It's making things interesting and has been an emotional whirlwind. One moment I'm fine, the next moment I'm struggling. Trying to acknowledge when these moments occur and be present with them. I've noticed when I'm tired that my most critical inner-voice comes to the fore, which is a nice touch. When I'm least able to shoo it away is when it wants to take center stage and perform a whole litany of "where you fucked up" (now optioned for a major motion picture). I'm working on recognizing when this occurs and just letting it play itself out with no judgment, but it's hard to resist its siren song and spiral into a depressed state. I'm getting better about this, though.

So that's the current state of my system. More as I know it.