Checking In: 2023-07-10

Checking in for 2023-07-10:

Last week my intention was to give attention to one of the tasks on my lists for at least 10m in the morning (before reading email, social media, and the like). For whatever reason this has eluded me for years now. I think I'm still attached to the comfort of knowing what happened overnight to see if there are any items that need to be addressed immediately. I blame the system administrator in me for this belief. Once I check email / social media I can tend to relax and get into my work, but I need to look over my shoulder to see if there are any bears or other things that might eat me. So I'm changing things up for my intention. The main thing is that I need to get work done, not sit and fret about getting work done. I know this is contrary to the idea of just waking up and allowing ourselves to just slide into the most important thing before doing the work but frankly it's going to take me a lot longer to move away from this mindset. I'm going to still attempt it from time to time and allow myself to realize that there are literally no bears out there to eat me, but it's going to take a lot longer.

Tomorrow I get to know more about what the upcoming months will hold for me. JoDee is guessing that I'll have more scans in my future. I think she's right. Maybe an CAT Scan, or even an MRI. What's less certain is if I'll have surgery to remove the benign tumors and resect the colon. We'll know more once we've talked to the oncologist to get a sense of his perspective. It's been nice having a break from thinking about cancer but frankly that's my main job now: debugging this cancer that I have and figuring out how to keep the system whole in the interim.

Today I didn't manage to get much of anything done. I'm finding myself floundering. That usually means I've either taken on too much or I've had a compressed morning. Considering I woke up this morning at 9am and had a 10am meeting I'm thinking it's the latter. That said, I think I might have taken on too much for this week. I'll need to see if I still feel this way tomorrow after my appointment and Wednesday during chemo. I can usually tell what my energy will be like for the rest of the week. If I feel like someone turned up the gravity then I'll need to pull back on my commitments.

For this week my intention is to work on simplifying the things I focus on per day to only 3-4 items and really focus on those things. If I have more energy then great! I'll add more to the list. But for now I need to really reset where I am with my current focus.