Awash in fear

CW: Bodily functions

I almost hesitated to post this because it's definitely in the "Too Much Information" (TMI) category. But, in the interest of documenting my cancer journey I feel these little TMI bits are not only necessary but (hopefully) helpful.

Just before I showered I needed to use the restroom for a while. I spent about a good half-hour trying to get everything out. I mentioned before that I've picked up a keyboard for such moments. At least I can while away the time with some productivity.

When everything had settled down I got into the shower. Unfortunately I started noticing that familiar feeling again; the feeling that there was still unfinished business waiting to happen. But I had been in there for almost a half-hour. What more needed to happen? I decided to take the quickest shower I could and hope that I could get out of there before the inevitable happened.

While I was rinsing off things went from "could happen" to "your attention is required". Oh no. I wasn't quite ready to hop out of the shower quite yet. My hair still had soap in it.

I picked up the pace but by then it was too late. "Impact is imminent. Brace yourselves."

That all-too-familiar feeling took hold. That feeling of panic that things I would rather not have happen were not only happening but happening in the shower. I cursed my condition, but there was little I could do. A second round took hold. I looked down towards the drain. Yep. "Clean-up in aisle aiugh."

Fortunately I've gotten used to this, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. At least it happened somewhere that I could use all the cleaners.

The bathtub got an extra-special scrubbing today. It needed it, but I would have preferred having a little less urgency around it.

The reason I post this isn't to get sympathy or head-pats for being "so brave". I'm not brave. This is just part of my reality. It's something that I've come to accept. It's frustrating in the moment and I'm wishing I didn't have to go through it every time it happens, but my body will do what it needs to do regardless of my own objections to it. I can either try to fight it or accept it. I'm working with radical acceptance: being OK with the loss of control and accepting what happens with love and grace.

And hey, clean bathtub happened as part of the bargain. I'll take it.