Checking in for 2023-07-28:
- I think the Lonsurf is making me pretty tired. I literally woke up this morning around 9 a.m., got my shot, ate breakfast, took my pills, made some coffee, and promptly went back to bed until noon. At first I was a bit distressed about this but I'm still learning how to let go of my preconceived notions of the day and just let things be. I might get some opportunity to work on things later but for now I'm just going to let my body get the rest it needs.
- Speaking of tiredness I've noticed that as I get more and more exhausted that my thoughts get darker and darker. There's a correlation between my tiredness and depression / anger/ frustration. I've done some searches on cancer diagnosis and depression. The number of folks with cancer and the number of diagnosed cases of depression is pretty convincing. I don't think I have clinical depression quite yet but it's something to keep in mind. I've definitely been relying on some coping mechanisms such as telling myself to let things go and to just be wit the present moment. That's helped out considerably. I'm also reminded of the quote on a poster in my den: "Stop thinking and end your problems" -- Lao Tzu. (The full passage is available here). I tend to overthink things (I think this is my mantra) so I tend to go pretty deep in my mind to unpack what I'm feeling. There's some usefulness to this but I also think it can lead to me spiraling into these dark places. Will need to keep noticing these patterns.
- Some of those dark thoughts are things like "it'll be a miracle if I make it to 55", and "I want to be here for JoDee, but how long will that be?" Also, feelings of being broken and constantly having to struggle with my disease, feeling overwhelmed, and feeling like this is the best that I will feel. I know those are all illusions and things that I can't control. Also, I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I'll live to 100. Maybe I'll witness the end of the world. Who can say? And how much do I devalue these precious moments by pissing them away contemplating a future I cannot control and cannot claim. They're selfish thoughts from someone who is used to getting his own way, and throwing an existential tantrum that life cranking up the difficulty. I still have these moments and this precious gift of life. Why waste it trying to live an illusion? How dare I let the life I currently have slip away with constant complaining. I'm here now, and that's all that matters. What I do in this moment is more important than thinking about the next ten minutes, let alone ten years.
- Related: this is why I don't return my "financial adviser's" phone calls. Sorry, Michael, but I'm just not into long-term thinking right now. (Long story).
Figuring out on how to continue being a god-damned delight. More as I know it.