Checking in for 2023-07-27:
- I took my first dose of Lonsurf today. I'm already pretty wiped out from the chemo yesterday so this should be interesting. I've already written off today as a tired day. I slept in until 10 a.m. I went to bed before midnight so I'm not sure why
- Spent a half-hour in the bathroom at 6:20 a.m., so that probably contributed to the tiredness.
- Received my Zarxio this morning, so I can get my white blood cells in-line.
- Re-reading Leo Babauta's "The One Skill". It's a book about letting go. I'm finding myself having trouble letting go and accepting my current state (especially the one where I need to use the restroom all the freakin' time). Yesterday on my way to the hospital I think my stress caused a psychosomatic diarrhea response. I'm so afraid of shitting myself that I summoned up a natural fight-or-flight response (which, ironically, is diarrhea). Fortunately I've been noticing this pattern in myself. I'm not good at stopping the reaction yet but I can tell when I'm spiraling down into a panicked response to stimuli.
- I'm working with acceptance that I will never be well again. That doesn't mean I won't keep trying and won't continue treatment, but it does mean that my life will be forever altered by this disease. It's a sobering thought to realize that this is now a part of yourself and you are unlikely to be rid of it. I know I will never be 100% cured, and that's O.K. because I don't need to be 100% cured. I hope I can still maintain some form of integrity for a long time. But I also have to accept that I don't have full control over that. I'm working with acceptance and compassion with this.
More as I know it.