Checking In: 2023-09-04

Checking in for 2023-09-04:

  • Last week my intention was to practice with being consistent with working on my projects. I did surprisingly well this time around. Feeling some inertia around this, which is helpful. Going to keep with this for this week.
  • Also did some editing in the Pepper&Carrot Wiki to fix an apparent discrepancy with Pepper's Mailbox. I'm quite pleased wit this one.
  • Taking the last dose of Lonsurf today. Took the morning dose and am taking the evening dose after dinner. Then it's two weeks of rest.
  • I definitely noticed my energy fluctuating this time around. I'd be raring to go in the morning and then taper off in the afternoon. Yesterday I noticed after dinner that I was literally falling asleep at the table (which isn't uncommon). I had several plans for things I wanted to do but all I had energy to do was sit on the computer and putter around on social media. I'm finding that music is helping this a bit as it helps get my blood pumping. JoDee has even seen me dance on occasion (if the neighbors are seeing it they haven't indicated. I consider this a gift to them if they have.)
  • I hadn't noticed that my last visit indicated my white blood cell count was "critical low". That's a bit alarming, but didn't seem to elicit much concern from my oncologist / nurse practitioner. We'll see what it is tomorrow. It could be a fluke or it could be something else that needs treating. We'll find out.
  • That got me wondering what happens when I run out of options. I found an article talking about end-of-life care for folks that have no more options. It was a little disconcerting to think that could be me. I'm not sure what my treatment plan is and what options are open to me but I do know that Lonsurf is a drug that's pulled out when several of the others that I've been on haven't worked out. I'll have some questions for Dr. Jaiyesimi tomorrow to find out his thoughts on my treatment plan. I'm not ready to give up on me yet and I don't think he is either. Unfortunately cancer is complex and everyone handles it differently. So far I've been thinking that things are going OK but seeing my white blood cell count at the lowest its been made me wonder if my body isn't in accord with my own wishes to keep fighting. I'm not going to lie: not having the side effects that I'm experiencing is rather appealing to me, but I'm happy to sacrifice my comfort if it means we can push this disease back, even just a little. Again, I don't know what the future holds for me so worrying about future diagnosis and treatments is futile. I can only work in the present; in the here and now. But my over-analyzing brain loves to spin wildly about trying to find a solution, as though this is a nut that needs cracking or a problem that can have a solution.
  • Unrelated, I've found that the Lonsurf really is a bastard when I'm tired. The tiredness it promotes can create feedback loops in my mind of contemplation, self-examination, and despair. Remember, brain: It's not a crisis, you're just tired.

More as I know it.