Today I got linked to a post on my blog. Sometimes I like to re-read things that are on my blog (go figure) and I noticed several posts: "A big wad of fear" and "Disconnect to reconnect". Curious, I wondered what was on my mind about a year ago. Apparently I was working on several projects and not finding much motivation to keep working on them. Today I'm finding myself enthralled with the project that I'm working on. What changed over that year?
Part of it was having several epiphanies. Last year I didn't realize that I had cancer. This year I have spent most of the year dealing with cancer. That has taken a lot of my physical and mental energy. It's also helped me to focus on what's really important. Nothing focuses you quite like having an illness, especially one where you're decidedly not in control anymore. It's been eye-opening to think about my own mortality and realize what I want to be true in my life.
I've also spent a lot of this year decluttering things from my life. It's been liberating to remove a lot of cruft from not only our living space but also my mental space. Carving away all of the unnecessary stuff makes more room for the things that I find important. I'm finding a lot of joy now without worrying about stuff that isn't important anyway.
In many ways I'm a different person that I was just a year ago. Last year I would have been terrified of some of the things that I'm working on. Now? They're still scary but for different reasons. I'm more scared that I'll run out of juice before I finish them.
I'm not saying that I've completely thrown my fears to the wind; that's just not possible. What I'm finding though is that each day I keep iterating and keep trying to live the life I want to live. I may never get there, but I'm enjoying the ride.