State of the pudding-brain

Today I'm feeling the weight of the upcoming weeks on my psyche. Next week I start up my rounds of chemo again. This month was a welcome respite from having to think about the cancer busily working away inside of me. On Monday I'll likely get blood tests again to see how far things have progressed in the absence of chemo. Of course as anyone with a long-term disease will tell you there's really no such thing as a long-term break because you still have appointments to schedule, insurance "explanation of benefits" that come by to remind you that keeping you alive is expensive, and the occasional body-revolt that you hope can be quelled before things get out of hand. But it's still been nice to not have to worry as much about where I need to be and feeling my energy return mostly to previous levels.

That said I'm not sure if my mental faculties have returned. I'm getting older so things are a little harder to remember, but I literally had a brain-fart when trying to remember "jam band". You know, the genre that one of my favorite bands is a part of.

Also I can tell I'm feeling tired because my mind is trying to tell me that I should just throw out my creative projects and become a vegetable. So that's handy.

I'm also finding myself not wanting to work on simple things like mailing off bills. I chalk that one up to just feeling overwhelmed in general.

Working through this each day. I know this is just temporary, but in the moment it can feel final. My brain isn't software so I can keep making updates as needed.