Annus Mirabilis

This year I thought for sure that it would be my "Annus Mirabilis", or "notable year" because of my moving to disability and having the ability to focus on my creative goals. And in some ways I have: I've been putting in the work on some of my projects and been giving myself more permission to work on the things that bring me joy. But I've also noticed that I'm pretty tired especially around chemo time. Today is Friday, which is the day I'm disconnected from my take-home pump of 5FU. Usually I'm pretty exhausted from this. This has been nicknamed "chemo comedown" which is the period when your body is coming down from having all of the chemo drugs pumped through it. It's also the period when I'm at my most tired. When I was working I'd basically block off the rest of the day because quite frankly I wasn't worth the powder to blow me up. That's still true (I'm even in the habit of blocking out my calendar for myself). And that's just it. What I thought would be a moment of unbridled creativity is going to need to be scaled back to the reality that I'm facing.

But here's the main thing: that's OK. I can work my way around so that when I do have those moments that spark up I can take advantage of them. I can try to plan for them but if it's just not working then I can give myself permission to just sit there and see if it's true. Usually my body responds pretty quickly (close the eyes and I'm out like a lamp). And if my body needs the nap then I take the nap. I still have my emotional support kitten to take care of and ensure that she gets proper warmth when required.

It's up to me to let go of the "Annus Mirabilis" that I had in my mind and recognize the "Annus Mirabilis" that's in front of me. The one that is in front of me is more real and more tangible anyway, so why not take advantage of the known while I have it and leverage that into the unknown. What do I have to lose?